
   Alice Writes!

                    Copyright 1995 by Peter Neuendorffer


 To Whom it May Concern

 Alice has decided to write her own column this month as I am suffer-ing
 from sleep debt and exhaustion. She is typing away, exclaim-ing "Aha!" And
 "That's it," "Yeah, so what now? " I now give you Alice:

 At first I couldn't think of a thing to say.  No new inventions this week,
 and my mail has consisted of two chain letters, two preapproved
 Mastercards, and another free time-disk for a major online service.

 Ever know someone who keeps a journal? They take great care to choose the
 blank volume, and some even use wet ink to carefully inscribe their
 deepmost thoughts. The artist Saul Steinberg was very aware of the
 connection of writing to materials, his drawings gracing the covers of
 The New Yorker for many years.

 A single line became variously the pavement viewed from up high, a tight
 rope, a mountainscape and so on. Letters and numbers rained from the sky,
 and a distorted view of the globe showed New York City in grand relief,
 with a sliver of ocean and England peeking out the other side. A
 city-scape was infested with subway stairs reaching up from the depths.

 Peter surely has the worst handwriting in the world, and the keyboard is a
 Godsend to him. A brief attempt to make him right-handed in grammar school
 has produced a calligraphic idiot. Graffiti artists are most interested in
 producing only their signature, and retired baseball players jealously
 guard the rights to their Nom de Plume appearing on baseballs.

 Is the printing press the primary invention of mankind so far? The
 broadside - which still may be found today on light poles - led to the
 journals and public newspapers. Today anyone can read yesterday's world
 news each morning for less than the price of a cup of coffee. That is
 anyone where there is freedom of the press. The power of propaganda,
 though ever present can strangle the beliefs of entire cultures.

 Today I will type this article and send it off over the wire, where it
 will be picked up in West Virginia, edited and included in an electronic
 document available world wide. The words will have never touched paper,
 becoming digital pulses and video flares.

 Certain documents have sparked revolutions in culture, while personal
 letters have changed the course of people's lives. A note between Romeo
 and Juliet was not delivered in time and the protagonists ended up dead. A
 letter from Einstein to President Roosevelt warned of the possibility of
 Germany building a nuclear bomb, leading to the mammoth secret Manhattan
 Project.

 Peter's mother is a person of  letters. Peter always brightens up when he
 gets one from her. News of Dad's garden, and their retirement excursions
 such as a trip to Sturbridge historical village take on worldly
 importance. Occasional letters by Peter to his U.S. Senator always return
 a "Thank you for writing Senator..... He is always interested... blah blah
 ....It is because of people like you... blah blah blah." Peter is
 currently awaiting a rejection slip from the New Yorker, and tries to
 pretend he is not waiting, as a watched pot never boils.

 One's signature seems to be increasingly a function of the magnetic strip
 on a credit card, or ATM card. You are not Okaying the transaction, a
 program on a computer is. As I am an imaginary person, I always pay in
 cash. Corporate logos seem to be a signature, with forgery a big concern
 among jeans manufacturers, the jeans worth is in the brand name. One would
 think that some products, since they are a household word - like jello or
 baking soda - would sell them-selves.  Apparently not, as both are
 currently advertised on television.

 Well, this has been a brief discussion of writing, and I hope you will
 call your family together after the dishes are loaded in the dishwasher
 and before ER to each write a conclusion. Who knows, you might have a
 writer in the house.


 Unfortunately Alice was completely disinterested when we offered her a
 regular column with a by-line and all the other perks that WindoWatch
 routinely  provides for their fine writers. She sniffed at me in great
 disdain and stomped off.  Peter has spoiled her rotten.


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