
The Diversity of 'Twas! 


                                       'Twas the Night Before 
                                   Contributed by Derek Buchler


As written by a technical writer for a firm that does Government contracting...

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as 
Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anti-cipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was per-forming a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his sub-maxillarydermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurten-ance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemi-spherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by reneg-otiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of 
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

And there's more holiday nonsense. If you don't understand Yiddish, you may not  find this funny.

The Night Before Chanukah

 'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
      Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
 The menorah was set by the chimney alight
     In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
 Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
     And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

 Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
     While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
 The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
     And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
 A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
      Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!

 I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
      While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
 I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
      And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
 
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
      A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.

 When he got to the door and saw the menorah
      "Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
 I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
      As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
 "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
      Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."

 With smacks of delight he started his fressen
      Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
 Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
      When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
 He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
      But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"

 He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
         "Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
 As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
      I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
 So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
      he called out cheerily into the wind.

 More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
      As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
 "Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!

     On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
 He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
     "A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"  

And then there were the people who toil every night until dawn:


     `TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS

     `Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
     Not a program was working, not even a browse.

     The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
     Knowing the chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.

     The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
     While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

     When out in the lobby, there arose such a clatter,
     I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

     And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
     But a super programmer, oblivious to fear.

     More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
     And he whistled and shouted and called they by name;

     On Update! on Add! on Inquiry! on Delete!
     On Batch Jobs, on Closing! on Functions Complete!

     His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
     From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

     A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
     Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

     He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
     Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,

     And laying his finger on the `ENTER' key,
     The system came up and worked perfectly.

     The Updates, updated, the Deletes, they deleted,
     The Inquiries, inquired and the Closing completed.

     He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
     With nary an abend, and all had gone well!

     The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
     The client's last changes were even included.

     And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
     "It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want!"

     ANONYMOUS




                                                                  
                                    

                         ww


