

 A Unique View of 95


                               Derek Discusses '95
                         Copyright 1995 by Derek Buchler

 Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World
 Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft
 Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events
 surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry
 giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating  system
 ever produced."  But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events.

 It began when peace was declared in Bosnia.  Said Ahmad G'Hui,
 spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that Windows 95 has been released, we
 just don't see any reason to fight each other.  This is an amazing
 product."

 Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear
 weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost
 import.  To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing
 [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The
 Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that.  It's such a small
 planet!"

 On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein
 met face-to-face for the first time.  After a tense greeting, they
 started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers.
 Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old
 friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said  If I hadn't
 been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much
 sooner. Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying,  Well,
 Saddam, I told you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was
 wait. Hey!  Let's play some FreeCell!"

 Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the
 new platform.  Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned
 their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls
 using Windows 95.  In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward
 spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City.

 On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reported
 that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts.  "I sat down in front of
 the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face.  When I
 looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!"  Even more amazing is the story
 of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an
 incurable, fatal form of cancer.  His doctors  were amazed yesterday
 when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe
 store, his cancer went into remission.

 When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's
 Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States,
 replied "If you think this is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!"

 Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his
 returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are
 unconfirmed at this time.

 SEATTLE (AP) -- Researchers are scrambling to isolate a particularly
 virulent strain of virus following nationwide outbreaks over the past
 few days that have felled scores of computer users. The virus -- termed
 Winfluenza late-95 -- was first reported on August 24 at a clinic near
 Redmond, Washington.  Scientists are stumped, however, by its  near
 simultaneous appearance across most of the United States, particularly
 around large population centers. Dr. Srinivasa Upasani of the Center for
 Disease Control in Atlanta noted that  "the population most particularly
 at risk would appear to be relatively naive computer users, particularly
 those unduly susceptible to media influence and hyperbole".  Symptoms
 reportedly include severe headache, muscle ache, blurred vision,
 increased blood pressure, and in severe cases, lacerations incurred
 during uncontrollable muscle spasms that typically result in destruction
 of the victims personal computer.

 Emergency rooms, which received a flood of stricken individuals over the
 weekend, report that victims tend to be incoherent and unable to control
 bodily functions.  ER technician Nate Williams, who has dealt with a
 number of Winfluenza cases, observed, "those dudes are hurtin, I dont
 know what would do that to a person, but man I dont want no part of it"!
 Officials are following up on reports that the virus may have been
 purposely spread through infected software packages.  Director Marlene
 Eison of the Federal Bureau of Investigation said, "we are working
 closely with local and state law enforcement officials to ascertain
 whether the Winfluenza virus was the work of a cult". Since the outbreaks
 began August 24, persistent rumors have linked Winfluenza late-95 to an
 obscure cult in upper Washington that follow an enigmatic leader known
 only as Mr. Bill.

 The office of the Washington State Attorney General has reportedly been
 investigating the cult since it became clear that Mr. Bill was bent on
 world domination. The cult allegedly employs hordes of caffeine-addicted
 laborers to craft a varying array of viruses and has been accused of
 using mind control to recruit gullible followers. Microsoff spokesperson,
 Mick Jagger, refused to comment.

 Subject: Microsoft Motors

 Top (N) ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars
 - drumroll, please...

 A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that
 year, instead of before.

 Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a  new
 car.

 Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart
 it.  For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

 You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you
 bought car '95 or car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

 You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.  Wait a sec, it's
 that way NOW! Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered,
 twice as  reliable, five times as fast, but will only run on 5% of the
 roads.

 The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced
 with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

 People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars,
 forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for
 years.

 We would still be waiting on the 6000 sux 58 model to come out.

 We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

 Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

 The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead
 of giving them.

 New seats will force everyone to have the same size rear end. The size
 would be licensed with royalties due to Microsoft.

 Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft
 was putting a radio in all its models.

 Derek Buchler is a computer manager-administrator in the private sector.
 An early WindoWatch contributor, we're delighted to welcome him back.
 Several of these gems appeared briefly on the various nets which we are
 reprinting for the benefit of our readers.


                                     ww



